Do not be anxious for anything, but in every situation, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

Phillippians 4:6

Defining my anxiety

If you asked me years ago how to define anxiety, I couldn’t give you an answer. I didn’t know what anxiety was until it started to take hold of me. I have always been a calm soul. I didn’t that I had anything to worry about and managed to live a rather carefree life.

Early trauma

When I was about 15 years old, my grandmother died. As I sit here blogging, the one thing that stands out to to me is that I didn’t cry. I remember visiting her in hospital after she had been in a bad car accident. Seeing her in the state she was in, I didn’t shed a tear. I walked out of that hospital like nothing had happened and life went on as normal. After a string of traumatic events, I believe my anxiety manifested itself because I tried to be strong for too long. Being anxious meant living with a flood of thoughts in my head- all bad thoughts each and everyday and I felt as if I couldn’t stop myself from thinking these thoughts.

My anxiety came about as a result of broken down relationships, stress, loss of people who were close to me and also as a result of not dealing with the trauma I had experienced earlier on in life. As I became older, I started to become weighed down by the cares of life. Trying to balance work and family life further contributed to my anxiety. I struggled to make use of the networks and support that God had already provided for me. I dealt with my personal struggles on my own and didn’t ask for help. I believe that God places certain people in our lives for a reason. We aren’t meant to do life on our own. We have a network of family and friends and I am thankful for the people that God has placed in my life.

Anxiety ruled my day to day life

Each morning as soon as I would wake , a flood of anxious thoughts would fill my head. All the things that could possibly go wrong that day, the fear of something bad happening to my children and family, the fear of losing my job over a silly mistake, it was endless. As these thoughts started to flood my head each and every day, eventually I stopped seeing the joy in life. Without realising, my worries began to send me into a depression, however, I didn’t know that I was depressed. I functioned with everyday life pretty well and there were no obvious signs. I took care of my family the best way I knew how but I didn’t do very well when it came to looking after myself.

I would constantly have this sinking feeling that something bad would happen to someone I loved. This feeling stayed with me for a few years. My anxiety affected my family relationships and I tried to find ways to survive and keep my head from going under water each and everyday. It was hard work! I remember how I used exercise as a coping mechanism although it never fully took my anxiety away, it would mask the feelings and symptoms of anxiety because exercise gave me a focus. When I think about it, it would have made more sense to speak to someone I trusted. The problem with silence is that if you remain silent, fears become bigger than they really are. This how the enemy uses these opportunities to instill more fear. Fear is the biggest liar of all.

How God began to heal me

I started to believe anxiety was a part of me and that my only option was to accept that it would never go away and to learn to live with it. However, I came to realise that this wasn’t God’s plan for me.

First, God showed me where my anxiety stemmed from – the years of trauma that I had not yet dealt with and the many years of pretending to be OK. In order for me to heal, I would need to deal with the root causes of where my anxiety stemmed from.

As God started to gently deal with each and every trauma from the past that had not been acknowledged, I started to realise that anxiety was no longer a heavy burden that I was carrying around. Suddenly it was not so hard. Days would pass without anxious thoughts and episodes. Eventually weeks would pass and I would struggle to remember the last time I had an ‘anxious’ episode. I started to noticed that I had joy – something I never fully had before on a daily basis. The more God healed each wound the further anxiety started to move away from me and my the light in me that was once dim began to shine within. I started to grow closer to God and eventually all the anxiety I had struggled with over a period of 5 years felt quite distant.

Being anxiety-free and what it means

To say out loud that I have been set free from anxiety feels like a dream only because I never believed I would be set free. There was a time I believed I would carry this burden for the rest of my life. It truly feels like God did an enormous miracle in life. I have lived in my anxiety state of mind for a number of years and at times I have to be reminded that I have in fact been set free and I am no longer a prisoner in my mind. God has given me a new way of thinking -one that is anxiety-free and I have to rejoice and live in freedom.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!

2 Corinthians 5:17

The Woman with the issue of blood

When I think of the meaning behind the word perseverance I am reminded of the woman with the issue of blood in the book of Matthew 9:20 who had been suffering with her condition for 12 years. I cannot begin to imagine how she must have struggled not only physically but emotionally during her period of suffering. The loneliness of isolation and the depression she would have experienced due to her condition.

Thankfully, Jesus had a specific time in mind for this woman to be restored back to her full health.

The woman was healed when Jesus was walking to the home of a ruler who had asked of Jesus that he heal his 12 year old daughter. As I read the words, I kept asking myself what God trying to achieve by choosing this specific moment in time? The woman who had struggled for so long came back to life when she touched the edge of Jesus’s cloak. She had been spiritually dead all of those 12 years and at that very moment of healing she came back to life. Her name was Veronica. She is said to be one of the women who walked with Jesus tending to him when he carried the cross. The two people whom God had chosen to heal on this momentous day also experienced an awakening and a re-birth in their lives. Both the life of the 12 year old girl and the woman were completely turned around from that moment onwards.

Why God wants me to persevere

I have realised throughout my struggles that each time God makes a promise, that very promise is already cemented in heaven. When he shines light onto a situation that I am facing this usually means he has already provided a solution. The beauty of persevering through situations whether they are health struggles or everyday struggles means that with each and every one of my struggles I become emotionally stronger and better able to deal with surprises that life brings along the way. If I can persevere through any situation and do so with joy, I can stand strong and tall and boast about the God who sustains me.

The Bible promises a reward for those who persevere.

James 1: 2-4

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

Examples of people in the Bible who persevered

• Abraham and Sarah in their waiting for a child that God had promised to them – Abraham believed God and this was credited to him as righteousness in Genesis 15:6.

• Paul in the Galatians – Paul was persecuted and placed in chains and throughout all the turbulence he experienced in his lifetime he learned the art of being content in every situation thrown at him. Phil 4:11-12

• Jesus persevered – Jesus went out as usual to the Mount of Olives, and his disciples followed him. On reaching the place, he said to them, ‘Pray that you will not fall into temptation.’  He withdrew about a stone’s throw beyond them, knelt down and prayed, ‘Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.’ An angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him. And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground.” – Luke 22:39-44

What comes out of perseverance?

Patience

Patience is the waiting – Waiting on God in the fullness of his joy. In the past I would spend my time in the waiting desperate for my situation and circumstance to change. I have learned that a patient heart is one that is content in any and every circumstance.

Trusting God

God is always aware of whatever situation I am facing. Trusting God means knowing that he has made a way for my struggle. He has already walked the rugged pathway and has made provision for me to conquer.

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Strength

In times where I face adversity, I emerge stronger and more resilient. Perseverance reveals an inner strength that I would not otherwise realise existed within.

Wisdom and maturity

No negative experience is meant to break me. One of the rewards that comes out of persevering is God’s wisdom and maturity that arises as a result. I know that God is for me he is never against me.

You will be blessed when you come in and blessed when you go out. The LORD will grant that the enemies who rise up against you will be defeated before you. They will come at you from one direction but flee from you in seven. … The LORD your God will bless you in the land he is giving you. Deut 28:6

Galations 2: 19-21

For through the law I died to the law so that I might live for God.  I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.  I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing!”

How God sees me

I sometimes struggle to see myself the same way that God sees me. I am quite frankly rebellious in nature, impatient and I get frustrated quite easily. I get upset with myself for having these feelings. I too often forget that God has created me the way he has created me for a reason and a purpose. He knows that the rebellion me will one day serve a greater purpose. I now as an adult realise that I have always been a free thinker and the free thinker in me was created to have the courage to glorify him each and every day. He creates a beautiful artwork out of all the imperfections and gradually moulds and shapes me into what he wants me to become one day. He sees me as blameless, righteous and clean.

Why God sees me as Blameless

I am completely washed clean because of what Christ did on the cross all those years ago. In my mind it is difficult to understand or wrap my head around what Jesus has done. Abraham’s faith in God was counted to him as righteousness and because we are the descendants of Abraham, we share in his righteousness and thus we are seen as blameless in God’s eyes. In a nutshell, it is not anything that I have done to deserve that grace but because God sent his son to die on the cross for my very sins. Nothing I can do can make God love me any less. I fall short and don’t get things right. God’s grace means that He makes up for every area where I fall short. When I fall short as a being human and make mistakes, he makes up for those shortfalls.

There are things that stop me from seeing myself the way God sees me…

Sometimes I try to get right with God…

My upbringing was influenced by societal and cultural beliefs and expectations. As I young african girl growing up in the townships of South Africa, I was always into something a little different than my peers. The music I listened to was considered ‘different’. My clothes were different, my mindset in general was different to that of others. I didn’t always embrace being different because, I wanted to be like everybody else but obviously not enough for me to pretend to be something I wasn’t.

At times I care what others think

To tell the truth often when people ask how I am it seems the only answer I am allowed to give is the standard answer of “I’m fine” when at times I’m really not fine. Putting on an act can be exhausting. We live in a society where we don’t talk about not being okay. If we were courageous and spoke out about the way we feel then it normalises honesty and creates opportunities for sharing with others.

Being influenced by the opinons of others

People will always have their own opinions, however God’s opinion is the only one that matters. If I know who I am in God’s eyes, everything else falls away and I will only see myself the way that God sees me. He knows me better than anyone because it is He who created and formed me in my mother’s womb.

Not acknowledging how I feel

Often I tend to hide my feelings thinking that If I do so, I won’t hurt anyone else’s feelings. This in turn leaves me feeling like I can’t express myself. It’s important to ‘vent’ if I need to because when I acknowledge the times I am angry or sad, it means I can move on.

Experiencing guilt over having negative feelings

Feelings of guilt stop me from seeing myself the way God sees me. I sometimes feel as though I have no right to feel angry, sad or frustrated and that it is a ‘punishable offence’. At times, my guilt masks itself as anxiety and I do not realise that I am experiencing feelings of guilt.

I am learning that I am a fearless beautiful work of art designed by God and no matter how much it looks like I may be lacking in a particular area, God makes up for it all.

When Christ died, he took upon him the burden of guilt, anxiety, timidity, my sense of responsibility, and replaced them with courage and bravery, peace, joy and grace. For that I am thankful and grateful that I can live in the light and in his abundant grace.

“Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands, as you do the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the Church, his body of which he is the Saviour’ – Ephesians 5:22-33

Who was Esther?

Esther was a Jew, without parents. She was raised by her uncle, Mordecai. Growing up, Mordecai had taught Esther to conceal her identity and nationality as a Jew because at that time, Jews were looked down upon in society. As a young lady, Esther was introduced to King Xerxex who was ruler at the time. The king decided to hold a banquet over a number of days for everyone who resided in his kingdom. It was at this extravagant banquet where he invited a number of young women to stay in his palace over months or years. It was God’s intervention that allowed Esther, a mere Jew to be introduced to the King who upon meeting her instantly took a special interest in her.

A woman of Courage, humility and obedience

Unlike Queen Vashti who was removed from her position by the same king for her disobedience, Esther was humble in nature, obedient and an incredibly courageous woman. She lived at a time where women were expected to be respectful and obedient of their male counterparts. Esther displayed remarkable characteristics which would draw the king’ attention towards her and set her apart from all the other young women. As I read the book of Esther over and over again, I begin to admire her characteristics rather than feel sorry for her as I first did when I started to read about her. I have become drawn to Esther’s characteristics in such a way that I have been asking God to help me become more like her.

Using Esther as an example within my marriage

God wants me to be more like Esther in my own marriage. I initially didn’t quite agree with the way in which women were treated in those days. I have to remember the times in which the people in the citadel of Susa were living in all those years ago. The way in which women are still treated today sometimes feels unfair. The Bible however says that King Xerxes treated all the women he had extended an invitation to with respect and dignity. He gave them special treatments and even assigned eunichs and servants to each woman. Of all the women in the palace Esther stood out the most to the king. He would walk up and down the halls close to her suite each day to ask about her wellbeing. This means if I become more like Esther, my husband’s soft heart towards me will begin to soften even more.

If I am humble, respectful and obedient towards my husband, God will honour my obedience towards Him and make me fruitful in everything I do. I grew up watching women be subservient towards their husbands and I never fully agreed with the way in which it was done. When I initially read about Esther it reminded me about the subservience culture I grew up with but God reminded me that He doesn’t expect me to be subservient in the same way I have been taught culturally. He wants me to have an attitude of servitude towards my husband. When I finally understood this, it shifted my attitude towards Esther. Her obedience and humility was certainly not a display of weakness on her part, instead it helped her to become fruitful and God honoured her. She worked alongside God by respecting, obeying and showing humility towards her husband and by doing so, God was able to accomplished his mission to save the Jews. She is now a is a well known female figure in the Bible.

I wonder how the story would have turned out if Esther has been stubborn, prideful and arrogant? In my own life, I know that when God wants us to change our ways, He is asking us to obey him for a greater purpose.

What lessons can I take from Esther?

I sometimes I struggle to show the same obedience and humility as Esther. Society often tells us that women should aim to become “better” than men. This sometimes means that we are less likely to serve our husbands. A good part of me wants it to be all about me but it is important to be an equal partner rather than a competitive one, or even one that makes comparisons which ultimately leads to competition rather than partnership. An attitude of servitude for me means helping my husband in any way that I can and taking the toll of any stresses he might have. I might not be able to make everything right but I can do the very small things that make his life a little easier. These ‘small things’ that could ultimately make a world of difference!

How can I honour my husband?

I can honour my husband by cooking his favourite meals every now and again, praying for him on a daily basis and asking God to help him fulfill all his potentials and being thankful that God has put us together on this earth. Each day we are together is a blessing and a gift that I should not take for granted. Indeed it brought Esther joy to serve the king and in the same way it should bring me joy to serve my husband.

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:14

How does God see me?

If I were to ask God this particular question – “God how do you see me?” I believe his answer would be this: “I delight in you, you are precious in my sight, you are loved and forgiven, your are beautiful, you have peace, joy and inner strength”. I. truly believe He would say all this along with with a lengthy list of beautiful words He would utter that would make me feel like I was his special and only child.

I don’t believe I have always seen myself the way that God sees me. I’ve certainly allowed others to dictate who I was and how I should see myself. It’s taken me right up until adulthood to start to slowly believe I am who God says I am. That I am strong, I have hidden talents, I have inner peace…I could write a list however I think God’s list is much bigger!

Not feeling “good enough”

I often wondered why I never felt good enough..right from my childhood I felt I wasn’t good enough. I believe it all came about when I first started school. I never felt I was achieving academically like some of the other kids in my class. I honestly started to believe I wasn’t very bright. I know now that it was simply because I never believed in myself. Our minds are such powerful tools that we underestimate. If we consistently tell ourselves that we can achieve something that is difficult, our minds start to believe that this is true. The same goes if we consistently tell ourselves that we cannot do something. God knows were are limitless beings. If this is the case then surely it means we can do anything and we can achieve anything? Truthfully, the power is in the mind. God has given us all that we need to make a success of whatever we lay our hands on, but so often it’s easier to be filled with doubt.

Sometimes the world tries to dictate who we are. It dictates what we can do, and what we cannot do and this in turn affects confidence. For me, being constantly put down by my peers very nearly stripped me of my confidence. Over the years and months as God began to heal me from my emotional scars, he taught me that my identity begins with Him. If my identity is in Christ that is the ultimate foundation for whose I am. The devil tries to de-value us and attempts to take away our identity in Christ because he knows if he succeeds, we are left not knowing whose we belong to. If we do not know to whom we belong, we do not have the affirmations and the power he has given us in order to succeed in life. We put ourselves down and like I did, we start to believe the lies – one of them being that we are powerless. When we know who we are, we have an inner strength that exists within us.

God is building a new foundation

I remember not so long ago when I lacked hope. I wanted to achieve so much and never thought I would achieve anything, never thinking that I would be happy and that I would ever be a success. Sure, I don’t have buckets full of money, however, but I’m living a life which I love which is worth more than money. I strive to be better each day. God is building new foundations in terms of how I think of myself and what I believe I am capable of. My inner-confidence is being restored and I am starting to believe that indeed I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

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“Come to me, all who labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest” – Matthew 11:28

When God wants us to surrender control

I often feel it’s my duty to be responsible for absolutely everything in my home. I feel like the main character from the movie “Bad Moms“…running around on a daily basis attempting to organise my kid’s lives, taking the kids to after school clubs and extra curricular activities, making sure homework is done, ensuring sure there is some sort of order at home to prevent absolute chaos, and keeping up with work and my career. Unfortunately, I don’t do very well at attempting to manage everyone’s life let alone my own. Most of the time to be truly honest I’m hanging on by a thread.

Raising little people feels like a permanent full time job. My goals at attempting to be organised, efficient and tidy over time started to get a little out of control. I thought creating order would help ease my anxiety and reduce my stress levels. That if I walked into a neat tidy house after work everyday somehow it would help to declutter my mind. God revealed to me that this was one of the coping mechanisms I was using to help me deal with the anxiety that I suffered on a constant basis.

“For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future...Jeremiah 29:11

God’s will for us is to live everyday in abundance. That means pure joy, peace, anxiety free and present, living in the now.

I am the vine, you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. John 15:5

Attempting to do things all on my own resulted in anxiety, stress and mental exhaustion. For years I struggled to understand the concept of allowing God to take control or to even surrender control over to him. I knew I wanted to do so I simply just didn’t know how. I was drained almost all the time. The stress of dealing with work, and the pressure to keep up with so much in this modern world and still trying to take care of myself was seemingly impossible. How could I take care of myself when so many things demanded my attention? Trying to explain exactly what I was so stressed about to my husband made things even worse because of the guilt and fear of sounding as if I was complaining. The truth is, some of us are better able to deal and cope with the everyday stresses that come with life and for some of us it’s a bit more of a struggle. The Bible says that He shows his strength in our weaknesses and we all have we weaknesses.

I’m growing in my walk with God and slowly beginning to understand what it means when God asks us to surrender control over to him. He is calling us to lay our burdens at his feet. For me, this means waking up each morning asking God to help me to let go of what I cannot manage on that day. I’ve learned the importance of having a quiet hour to myself everyday. Sometimes it means going for a run/walk or having a quiet coffee in the early morning. When I do this I can step back and I’m not longer overwhelmed by the minute details that attempt to strip the joy out of my life. I can step back and enjoy my family and appreciate the good that God has provided for me and enjoy the abundance that he continues to shower me with every day.

“Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength; they will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not become weary; they will walk and not faint. – Isaiah 40:31

Safe-

I often wrestle and struggle with doings things my own way. I wouldn’t describe myself as one who likes to be in control but these days it feels as though God showing me otherwise. I’m the sort of person who if things aren’t done in a particular way at a particular time, I start to feel a little anxious… take this for example – I might ask my husband to hang out the washing. He’ll agree at the moment and in his relaxed state complete the task I’ve asked him to do around 2 hours later! If he decides he’s not going to do it in the next 5 minutes then I can’t help but do it myself because I start to think he won’t do it or he’ll be too busy to do it later. Well if that doesn’t scream control…

Feeling safe in the arms of God means trusting God to do what I cannot do. Allowing him to take control of the things I wrestle with- for me that is mostly control. It means resting on him when my resources have diminished. I have struggled with control for a few years now. My struggle reminds of Elijah who once ran from all the enemies who after him. At some point Elijah came to rest under a tree having completely given up hope. He had no strength left in him and simply wanted to die. There are times in when my resources have depleted and my cup needs to be filled. I take so much on – family and household responsibilities, work responsibilities etc. I’m extremely good and make every little thing a big thing. Life doesn’t always have to be as hard as I make it- this I know but I just can’t seem to help myself! My burnout threshold is pretty low because I keep trying to make things perfect. This in turn results in burnout and anxiety.

Leaning on God for Strength

The last few weeks I have battled with anxiety and exhaustion. Because of this I have indeed struggled to hear God’s voice. A few nights ago as I lay awake beginning my usual routine at 3am of things I needed to worry about, In that moment I felt a nudge to write a blog on ‘Feeling safe in His arms’. This title is such a strong reminder that God is always there in the midst of what sometimes might feel like hopelessness. When times feel a little dark and anxiety tries to pull a blanket over what is real, God is absolutley there! He whispering words of encouragement and cheering us on to finish not only what we have started but what He has started in us.

Be strong and courageous. “Do not be terrified of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6

“But when you ask you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind” James1:6

So much has happened in the world this year and yet we’re only half way through. It’s so easy to believe and expect the worst in the midst of all the negativity. I began this entire blog as a part of my healing journey from the trauma I have experienced in my life. This season I feel that God is making all things new.

I have quite a few disappointments in my life. We all go through disappointments. It used to feel as though failure and disappointment was my second name. I made the mistake of choosing to allow all these disappointments to define who I was. With the series of disappointments and setbacks that I experienced for most of my twenties, eventually I stopped dreaming. I had big dreams in my younger years however, reality came down on me like a tonne of bricks.

My first Disappointment

When I was around 6 years old I lost my very first tooth. I remember my excitement at the potential visit from the tooth fairy! Without telling anyone I took my tooth and placed it under my bed in a shoe excitedly awaiting the tooth fairy. My hopes were dashed however when I woke up the next morning to find that my bloodied tooth was still sitting in my shoe under my bed. At that moment I realised that the idea of the tooth fairy was a fabricate lie told to me by my teachers at school. You see my parents never bought into the ideas of the tooth fairy and Father Christmas but they also never told me that it wasn’t true. I feel this might be true for some African families. I have always still struggled with telling my kids the tooth fairy folklore because I dread they will feel lied to the way I felt all those years ago!

As I grew up I began to experience real-life disappointments- teenage heartbreak, career disappointments, etc. Throughout all of these setbacks I learned to stop dreaming about all the things I had planned to achieve in life. Since I was a little girl I wanted to become a writer. Writing was something I wanted to do all the time. It was one of those things that fit quite naturally with me. I loved books and reading although at school, writing as a career was never something that teachers nor our parents presented as an option so as a naive child, I grew up not ever believing that I could become whatever I wanted to be in life. I try to teach my kids to wake up to a job that they truly enjoy because in my time, career paths seemed to always point academics – engineering, law, finance. Although these are great careers with lucrative money these choices either didn’t interest me at all or simply just didn’t fit my character or enjoyment. I struggled with maths and science and quite honestly, my brain uses its creative side quite a bit more than my academic side so therefore a career in law just wasn’t on the cards for me. I eventually became a mum during my mid-20’s and life got busy. I had to take care of 2 small children while my husband worked long hours. There wasn’t a lot of ‘me-time‘ in those early days and eventually I forgot about the goals and dreams God had planted in me as a child.

Learning to Dream Again

I went back to school in my early 30’s and pursued my current career. Even though I was able to start a career in HR, God began to remind me about my real passions and dreams and He began to encourage me to go after them. Dreams that I left behind years ago – dreams of travelling and seeing the world, experiencing new cultures, meeting new people and exploring different types of food, and most of all my childhood dream to write. All of these which eventually at some point in life would bring me a sense of freedom which I consistently crave. You see, I am a free spirit and I struggle with the 9-5. It makes anxious and I feel constricted. The idea of freedom fills me with joy. At least then, I can use my time in this world in a way that brings me joy and fulfillment.

Jerememiah 29:11 – For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to give you a future and a hope.

Unlike before, life is full of hopes and dreams and it’s time I that I started to dream again. In the last few years life I have had a new lease on life. Life is exciting and I have so many things I want to achieve that I believe God will make happen. I am constantly reminded that “He makes all things new” and He is re-writing my story . Whatever disappointments I’ve had in the past are in the past. Even in the times where it seems I may be experiencing setback, I am no longer defined by the world’s expectations because I am a new creature in Him and He makes a way where there is no way.

I feel as though I’ve been going through a phase of attempting to silence the fears of my children. There seems to be quite a bit of anxiety going on in our house at the moment. The truth is it’s easier to reassure them that they are safe and sound but just how much of these re-assuring words do I manage to put into practice on a daily basis? Probably not a huge chunk to be quite honest.

“I lie down and sleep. I wake again because the Lord sustains me” Psalm 3:5. This verse holds more than one meaning for me. Each and everyday day becomes a fresh start and a new beginning. I have to use every new day and live it the best way I know how with a new grace. Also, I can wake up in the morning and know that I am sustained by his mercy.

I developed some nasty fears over the 36 years of my life. I constantly feared death, sickness, a car accident that would leave me either paralysed or worse, even dead. An inherent fear that something awful would happen to my family, oh the list goes on! This type of fear and panic would grip me each and every single day. It took the joy out of my life and eventually I learnt to always expect the worst from life.

We are not born with fear. Fear is learned through our experiences as children and we grow up and become adults. It somehow spreads quietly like a virus where you don’t realise its there or that there is even a problem. Eventually it begins to show up everyday and affects our inner beings and our relationships. It’s likely that we can miss this somehow, we miss this and continue on with our lives until something major happens and we’re suddenly forced to confront our childhood traumas. For me, growing up in South Africa, fear was an everyday feeling. Without realising it, fear became ingrained in my psychology from a very young age. I remember how I would suddenly wake up in the middle of the night and watch my dad peek through the curtains of the bedroom my sister and I shared. He was like a policeman marching through every room in the house peering through those curtains possibly looking for any kind of unusual movement in the garden making sure we had no unwelcome intruders. I remember the machete that stayed under his side of the bed ‘just in case’ he needed to make use of it. Even at the age of 6 or so I understood that we were not always completely safe in our home and like a virus, fear made itself at home.

God knew what my biggest struggles and insecurities would be even before I was born. He had a plan already in place to help me get through them all. He always has a plan. He knew his plan would mean my fears would work not only for my good but for His greater good. I’ve started to embrace the ‘bad’ experiences I go through because I can always be assured that he will always turn that whatever negative experiences I have into something good. I will have good seasons and bad seasons and maybe the bad makes me more resilient over time, perhaps the bad seasons mean one day I can help someone else? I have no idea but what I do know is that know that in God’s eyes NOTHING is ever wasted. No sadness or tears, no joy and no humiliation I go through experience will be wasted. I may have developed an unspeakable fear as a child but He has a plan. One which doesn’t include fear or timidity. He has called me to be a fearless warrior! Fearless in the decisions I make in my personal life, fearless in the way I parent my children, in my career, in my abilities as woman and an individual and most of all complete fearlessness and confidence in what the future holds. He knows the desires of my heart and He will not allow fear to dictate or rule out the wonderful plans He has laid out for me in this life.

Whenever I feel fear tries to grab hold of me I remember these words: “For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

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